Is This The Feeling I Need To Walk With?
by detective-sweetheart
Summary: post-ep for 'Doubt'...sort of. Thoughts of a detective upon returning home to silence.


It's three o'clock in the morning when I finally manage to get home, though in itself, time means nothing to me, and I probably mean nothing to it. I don't know how long it's been since I last pulled into this driveway at a normal hour, nor do I want to. Somehow I know without really knowing that it's been too long. I could have gone out with the others to escape the squad room, and get away from work, but something told me that it would be best if I returned home, so I sit here now, waiting for something, but I don't know exactly what it is that I'm waiting for. Maybe it's a sense of satisfaction, something telling me that I have, along with my partner, managed to bring some sort of justice to the streets. Or maybe it's something else. I know that I should probably make myself open the car door and make my way into the house, but something seems to be holding me back. The car is off, and even now, I can feel the icy cold from the outside slowly making its' way in. Then again, the cold might not be from the weather outside, but if it's not, then I don't want to know where it's coming from…I don't want to catch myself from falling.

I know that when I open the front door to the house, I will hear nothing but deafening silence. None of the lights will be on, and it will be as if everyone is sleeping. If I choose to let myself believe that, then I will be slipping even further into denial than I already have. I know they're gone. I know that they're not upstairs sleeping, even if silence when I come home normally means that they are. I'll probably end up turning on all the lights in the house when I finally do go inside, just to make it seem as if I'm not there by myself. I don't know what possessed me to come back here when I knew that no one would be waiting. Then again…I can't actually say that. No one's waited up for me in a long while. I can't blame them. Half the time when I come home it's only long enough for me to shower, change, get something to eat, and then head back to the squad room. It's one thing to barely know your family because you haven't ever seen them before…but it's something else when you barely know them because you're never around. I was probably nothing more than a passing shadow to my wife and kids; I'll be lucky if I'm still anything to them at all.

I suppose the only reason that all of this has managed to hit me so hard is because I never really thought that it would happen. Maybe I had so disillusioned myself to believe that there was nothing wrong with my marriage that I really didn't see anything wrong. Or maybe I was so involved with my work that I was blinded to the fact that I still had five people waiting for me at home. Of all of us in the unit, the only two other than me that know about all of this are Olivia and the captain. I know that I can trust them to keep their silence, but it's only a matter of time before the others find out. I honestly hope they don't. If there's one thing I don't want, it's to hear Munch making some comment about being married, and I don't want sympathetic looks from Casey or from anyone else. I don't need their pity, nor do I want it. The only thing I want right now is to be able to see my family, but I know that it won't happen anytime soon. I wish that this was just a nightmare, something that I can wake up from, but I know that I'm already wide awake. There's no escaping any of what I've somehow managed to become lost in.

The neighborhood is completely silent when I finally do get out of the car, and I stand there, allowing myself to adjust to the sudden change in temperature, still unwilling to make myself move. Half of me wants to return to the squad room and lose myself in the mess of paperwork spread out between Olivia's desk and mine. The other half wants to just go inside, and never leave again. The absence of familiar figures is what's keeping me from doing so; I have no wish to enter into an empty house, knowing that I myself am one of the contributing factors to suddenly being served with a legal separation. Thoughts continue to run through my head, faster than I can keep track of, but one stands out…and that one is the hope that this doesn't lead to a divorce anytime soon. Whether or not Kathy chooses to believe it, I want to stay with her. I have no desires to leave what we had…what we have…behind, and start all over again with someone else, nor do I want to put our children through that. It is most definitely the last thing on my mind.

My footsteps seem to echo as I make my way up the path leading to the front door. It only serves to bring the beginnings of a headache that I know won't go away unless I fall sleep or become so drunk that I can hardly stand. I don't want to lose myself in a bottle. It'll only serve to make things worse. At this point, I have half a mind to just turn around and run, though to where, I don't know…I just want to be anywhere but here. It occurs to me vaguely that as I stand here in the middle of the path that for all that Kathy has given me, I have given her nothing but heartache in return. It only makes me feel worse than I already do about all of this; I just want things to go back to the way they were before, but I know they won't. It's like when you start to unravel something, like a shirt…no matter how hard you try, you can't ever return it to its' original state. My marriage is like that shirt. Some people just go out and buy a new shirt, or they make something else out of it. Myself, I will repair that shirt and even if it won't be as good as it used to be, it will be wearable.

Author's notes: I don't own LOSVU and I didn't see the episode where Elliot and Kathy broke up so sorry if some of the details are whack. The usual kudos to Marshmellowluvr. BTW if you're wondering about the title, it's a song lyric…I just thought it would fit this particular thing, so….


End file.
